AV Maniacs formerly DVD maniacs

Deep Inside Bat Pussy by Matthew Allison

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Dragon Art Theatre. Before the program starts this evening however, a word of warning and caution: The films you are about to see are ‘adult’ motion pictures, rated ‘X’. If you do not understand what an adult motion picture is, or if you would be offended by frank and intimate scenes, then we urge you not to view these motion pictures.” - Donn Davison

If the above introduction tells us anything it’s that even perverts need affirmation that they’re “O.K.” It’s most definitely superfluous as an actual warning because, honestly, would anyone who walked into a Dragon Art Theatre to see the likes of PSYCHEDLIC SEX FREAK or MAKE MINE MILK need such a caveat? They knew what they were there for - skin flicks with lots of pop shots - and Donn Davison’s greeting serves better as a rallying cry for the deviants in attendance

    

“I AM AN ADULT, AND BY GOD’S GRACE, I HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO SEE IMAGES OF HAIRY BUTTHOLES, PROJECTED 8 FEET HIGH, IN A SMELLY ROOM HALF FULL WITH EQUALLY HORNY/LONELY MEN!”

However, if taken as a note of caution rather than ballyhoo, it could not have possibly prepared those poor, unsuspecting souls who were (un)fortunate enough to have purchased tickets to see an amazing film called….

…BAT PUSSY!

“People, whatcha doin’?
Standing on the verge of gettin’ it on, ‘stead of gettin’ it on.”

- Funkadelic

BAT PUSSY, technically, cannot be referred to as a “fuck movie” since there is no discernable “fucking” in it. The reason for this is that the lead, “Buddy” - an Evel Knievel look-alike with a tattoo of a running hog on his ass - just can’t seem to get it up. Seemingly insecure, he blames his wife, an “actress” referred to by the director as “Sam”. “You cain’t suck a dick!” Buddy shouts at the pale & freckled, portly red head. The only time he comes close to achieving an erection is after he tells the missus to suck his testicles, but even then he seems to be only half way there. Apparently we’re to believe that this predicament has been going on for the duration of their union, which we are told, has been 9 or 11 loooong years. Why do they stay in this relationship? We hope that other aspects of their lives are more rewarding. Buddy is shown to be tender at various times, even telling his wife at one point that she has a “tremendous pussy”, although he could be referring to the size. Perhaps they have common interests, such as taking the kids to the dirt track races or sharing turkey legs and funnel cake at the flea market. Who’s to say?

    

The “sex” scene (you really can’t say that there are sex scenes as the action only moves from the bedroom set when we see Bat Pussy make her way across town on her hippity hop.) consists of Buddy and Sam making feeble attempts at arousing the other through oral stimulation. Buddy, however, does not seem to be too familiar with the clitoris as his cunnilingus technique begins and ends with trying to shove his tongue as far up his partner’s vagina as possible. He actually takes pride in this method, claiming, “I’m a stick my tongue so far up yer pussy it’s gonna come out yer mouth.” One can understand his shortcomings however since it’s made clear that Buddy had never considered oral sex until that night, after seeing a picture of the act in a SCREW newspaper.

“Darlin’, yer gonna have to move your sweet leg.” Buddy tells Sam as he hoists her freckled, hairy cankle over his shoulder. “Fantastic, huh? Wouldn’t you say?” he asks her after a few seconds of a sloppy, sideways 69. Buddy has had an epiphany and, seeing the error of his ways, begins to apologize to Sam for his unwillingness to try oral sex earlier in their 9 (or 11) year marriage. “I never knew darlin’. I never knew! Is there any way I can rectify it?”

Although Buddy is having a good time “goin’ south”, Sam seems completely disengaged and is soon bad mouthing her hubby who returns in kind. “Why don’ you kiss my ass. My money makin’ ass!” Sam shouts. Buddy responds with, “That’s a money makin’ muthafucker all right, by god!” “You’ll sell your pussy for 3 dollars an’ yer ass fer 2!”

It’s clear that Sam is a streetwalker, working the “corner of Elm”, but we never find out exactly what Buddy does for a living, but whatever he does, it is important enough for him to have a secretary. “I’m a take my secretary an’ fuck her in tha ass, then I’m a come home an’ let you suck my dick!” Sam later claims that Buddy’s secretary calls her on a regular basis to let her know that her “…husband’s in the bathroom, jackin’ off himself.”

Buddy also berates his wife for being so promiscuous, at one point inserting his digits into her and proclaiming, “What’s this white stuff? Now, that’s cum. Now, you shoulda tol’ me dinnah wuz ready.” Later he leans back to get a good look at her “private particulars” and says, “You ain’t gotta pussy. All you got is a goddammed wash tub there.” After more of this verbal abuse, a remorseful Buddy tells Sam that her pussy is tremendous and tells her to spread it open so that he can get a picture to sell to “the magazine”. Apparently, the actor playing Buddy, whose name is most likely actually Buddy, forgot that this was an integral part of the story because Sam has to remind him. “Get the camera, dummy.” she says, audibly. However, before the first shot is taken, our hero busts in.

    

Once Bat Pussy finally arrives at the couple’s apartment, Buddy appears to get a second wind. Bat Pussy, although very lippy and boastful, is easily dealt with and is soon unmasked and disrobed with haste. At this point in the film one begins to hope that at last, with Buddy reinvigorated at the prospect of a three way, we will be able to witness some real, hardcore screwing, or, at the very least, a different camera angle. Sadly, in either case, this is not to be. No, we simply get more of the put downs and fidgeting that we’ve grown accustomed to over the last 40 minutes. Buddy goes down on Bat Pussy, actually attempts to penetrate her (fruitlessly), and even tries to talk the wife into performing cunnilingus on their captive. The wife produces a strap-on dildo and pleasures herself with it before trying to stuff it into Bat Pussy’s vagina, but to no avail. It seems as though Buddy’s impotency is catching.

During this entire ordeal, Buddy keeps referring to Bat Pussy as Bat Woman. It gets to the point where Sam gets fed up with his inability to say the name right so she corrects him, on camera. Buddy is too worked up to care however, since he deems Bat Woman…or Pussy, to be better at fucking than Sam. How he would know this, since he never fucks either of them, is anyone’s guess. In one shot he and Bat Pussy end up falling off the bed with Buddy’s tattooed ass plopping right on Bat Pussy’s noggin. Everyone has a good laugh, including the crew.

Mercifully, the film ends abruptly and we are left to ponder what we have just witnessed. Was this really the finished film or did Mike Vraney just stumble upon the world’s longest outtake? Is there a longer cut with animated Saul Bass style opening credits? Did Bat Pussy say “My holy Gotham City” because the director told her to mimic Burt Ward from the TV show?

Most importantly, who made this cinematic curiosity? We know that there was a director in the room because at various points in the movie we see Buddy look past the camera to inquire “Do what now?” or to give a simple “Huh?” During these moments we glean that someone behind the camera was giving direction because the audio drops out while we see the performers nod their head and change position - well, not really change position so much as shift a little bit to the left. We also hear either the director, or the camera man, let out a loud, long belch during one shot. This belch has been attributed to Buddy by some. However, upon closer inspection, one can clearly hear Buddy moaning at the same moment the belch occurs.

  

Toward the end of the picture the filmmaker(s) gives up on the whole “let’s just drop out the sound in the shots where you can hear me giving direction rather than cutting them” and you can actually hear him say, “I need you to lift up your head, Sam. Get on your hands and knees, baby.”

Was the camera broken, making it so that the DP had to just keep shooting until the film ran out because he couldn’t stop it? That’s the only logical explanation as to why at no point were the players allowed to gather their thoughts and get “into character”. This is “let the cameras roll” filmmaking at it‘s most extreme. Even Andy Warhol would have deemed these static shots excessive.

Enter: Bat Pussy

Most superhero folklore will at some point tell THE ORIGIN story, a detailed account of how and when said superhero came to be. Many times these back stories utilize a childhood trauma, one that acts as a stepping stone on the hero’s path to becoming their alter ego. For Bruce Wayne it was the slaying of his parents. For Peter Parker it was the death of his uncle Ben. Although no indication is given in the film as to how Dora came to choose to be a costumed crime fighter, one could surmise that the young Dora Dildo experienced just such a trauma, one that shattered her psyche and made her vow to never allow “fuck films” to be made in her city.

One theory is that, at the tender age of 9, little Dora walked in on her swinger parents as they were shooting a roughy in the family basement. Perhaps the sight of her bee-hived mother and a neighbor woman 69’ing while her father manned the camera sent the child into a state of shock from which she never fully recovered.

Another potential reason for Dora to don cowl and cape is that as a teenager she became aware that she was different in some way, much like Clark Kent or the members of Marvel’s X Men. Realizing that she possessed the power to detect future crimes against sexuality, Dora decided to use those abilities for the good of mankind. Much like Spider-man uses his “Spidey Sense” to divine trouble within his vicinity, Bat Pussy utilizes her “Twitching Twat” to predict pending sex crimes. Hiding out in a Tardis-like outhouse, Dora Dildo spends her days pacing back and forth in a nightgown waiting for her “secret twat”(?) to signal that “… someone’s about ta make a fuck movie in my holy Gotham City!”

Once she has changed into her costume - green tights and sweatshirt, black boxers and goulashes, with a black cape along with a mask featuring two large, white eyebrows - Bat Pussy heads out, saying, “I’m gonna get me some of that dick if they’re gonna fuck in my city”. Rather than the requisite Batmobile, our hero rides a hoppity hop - essentially a large rubber ball with a handle. It is during her journey across town that we finally are treated to some music. A bouncy little rock/R&B number, with a “boing boing” backbeat is heard as Bat Pussy stops to urinate, stops a rape in a park, and eventually shows up at the apartment complex where Buddy and Sam live.    

    

“America, America, this is you.”

- From the theme to “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

BAT PUSSY, the film, presents a double negative for viewers. As an arousing adult motion picture, and as a send-up of the Batman TV show, it rolls a snake eyes. If a Batman spoof done porno-style fails to either excite its audience with the sex on display or accurately and cleverly lampoon its namesake, then what are we left with? Perhaps what we are given with this film is a cautionary tale. BAT PUSSY is quite possibly a vision of the future that America currently resides in.

More than one person who has had the opportunity to view BAT PUSSY has referred to it as “Anti-porn”. As a description of the film’s agenda, as well as of the effect the film itself has as a masturbatory tool, this is most apt. How else do you categorize an adult film that completely and utterly fails to elicit even the minutest amount of arousal in its viewers? It’s quite possible that this was the filmmakers’ intentions. Why else would they have made no attempt to allow the performers to become properly aroused themselves? Sure, this can be chalked up to nervousness on the part of both Sam and Buddy (the young woman portraying Bat Pussy seems game, however), but it is quite likely that whoever was behind the scenes had a more subversive motive for making such an unappealing porno. The fact that our protagonist is so Hell bent on stopping folks from producing “fuck movies” (although Buddy and Sam are only attempting to shoot still photos) in her vicinity shows that she is possibly acting as a mouthpiece for the filmmakers. Theoretically we can surmise that, just as Bat Pussy herself is “Anti porn”, so too was the creator of this mess.

“We could make beautiful movies together.” says Buddy to his wife after skimming through his issue of SCREW. Buddy is mistaken. There is absolutely, without a doubt, no fucking way that these two white trash, out of shape, drunk on Schlitz yokels could even begin to make anything resembling beauty on film. How do we know this? The proof is right there on VHS. With BAT PUSSY we have solid testimony that some people should stay off camera, and here’s where the message for America lies:

Not everyone should show their ass in public.

In the last three decades, with the advent of home video, web cams and the internet, camera phones, trash TV, etc. more and more Americans are failing to heed that advice. Bat Pussy saw it coming and tried to stop it. By entering the bedroom of Buddy and Sam - in essence the bedroom of the "Average American Family" - as Bat Pussy, Dora Dildo attempted to get them to just fuck. Don’t film it. Just do it and keep it to your goddammed selves. Sadly, she failed. Now, on any night of the week, Americans can turn on late night television and watch as subhumans give each other pixilated blow jobs on Cheaters. Every afternoon we can witness pale, obese trailer park denizens flashing their tits at the camera on Jerry Springer. Surf the ‘net for any amount of time and you’re bound to come across photos or video of people you’d never want to see nude doing things you wouldn’t even want to see attractive people doing. The "Buddys" and "Sams" of the World have taken over and Bat Pussy has ridden her hoppity-hop off into the sunset.

Maybe not all hope is lost, however. Maybe it’s time to get up on the roof, flick the switch on the Bat Pussy Signal, and hope that its not too late for us to be saved.

Do you want to see Something Weird Video release a SPECIAL EDITION DVD of BAT PUSSY as much as we do? Then get off your ass and let them know by signing the petition which can be found online here! The film is currently available only on VHS, paired with Baby Bubbles.

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